Sexual Abuse

   Sexual abuse can be defined as any sexual encounter without consent and includes any unwanted

   touching, forced sexual activity, be it oral, anal or vaginal, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts,

   painful or degrading acts during intercourse (e.g.,urinating on victim), and exploitation through

    photography or prostitution.

                 

    The abuser may use violence to rape his partner (this is most common where physical violence is also                 current) or he may use only enough force to control his partner's movements (known as 'force-only                   rape').

 

      Coercion or manipulation in the form of threats, emotional or psychological abuse may also be

     used, leaving the victim to submit to unwanted sexual acts out of fear or guilt. 

     The abuser may, for instance, imply that should she not submit, he will hit her, leave her and find

     'another woman', withdraw the housekeeping, or punish her in some other way.  Or the abuser

     may insist on sex following a physical attack for the victim to 'prove' she has forgiven him. 

     Whatever form of coercion is used, be it physical, financial or emotional, any sexual act which is not

     based on mutual consent constitutes sexual abuse.

         

     Sexual Abuse can involve any of the following:

        .  excessive jealousy

        .  calling you sexually derogatory names

        .  criticizing you sexually

        .  forcing unwanted sexual act

       . forcing you to strip, or forcefully stripping you

        . sadistic sexual acts

        . withholding sex and/or affection

        . making sex conditional on your behaviour or agreement to include

        .  practices you are not happy about, eg using porn or sex toys

        . minimizing or denying your feelings about sex or sexual preferences

       . forcing sex after physical assault

       . using coercion to force sex

        .  taking unwanted sexual photos, sharing these with other people/internet

       .  without your consent

        .  forcing you into prostitution

        . forcing sex when you are ill or tired

 

 

     Subtle Sexual Abuse in Abusive Relationships

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      Subtle sexual abuse within abusive relationships are the less obvious forms of sexual abuse.

     While violent rape is obviously abusive, there are many other forms which are less so, but can be 

      equally destructive over time. The early warning signs that sexual abuse might take place in our

      relationship are excessive jealousy and a derogatory attitude towards women generally.

      I have called these forms of abuse subtle sexual abuse because we frequently do not recognise

      them as being abusive, i.e. part  of a pattern of behaviours designed to control and dominate us.

 

      The sexual abuser sees women as being put on Earth to provide him with sex and therefore does

      not take any of our feelings, wants or wishes into account, least of all our right to refuse whatever

      sexual act he demands of us.  When we participate in sexual acts for our abuser which we find

      disgusting (through coercion, threat or even just trying to keep the peace) then we risk being

      further verbally or physically abused for having complied.   Within an abusive relationship, subtle

      sexual abuse is used as a form of control, domination and degradation.

      Below are some of the abuse may be an issue together with some examples of subtle sexual abuse.

 

      Excessive Jealousy

    

      One of the warning signs of an abusive personality is excessive jealousy, usually initially used as

      proof of their love for us. They will be unhappy about our spending time or speaking with other

      males. This is because they see us as bodies which they want to conquer, own and dominate and

      assume other men think the same way. They will accuse us of cheating, of fancying another man,

      of flirting, of trying to show off our bodies to make other men desire us. 

      Sometimes these accusations are used as justification for physical beatings and sexual abuse.

      Some sexual abusers want us to cover up in public; others want us to wear provocative or 'sexy'

      clothing so they can show off their sexual conquests to other men.

      They will ask us all about our previous sexual partners and encounters, and then call us a slut or

      throw our sexual indiscretions back at us as proof of our being sluts.

 

      Being Sexually Derogative

     

      The sexual abuser is frequently derogative of us and other women. He will call us names, like slut,

      b- word or whore to our face.  Being called derogatory names is something we hear so often that

      we almost don't notice it anymore, and yet it betrays the basic attitude that we are not individuals 

      we are just whatever tag he decides to give us - and it is usually not very complimentary! 

      Another warning sign to look for is how he describes us to other people: does he initially talk well of

      us or does he denote a lack of respect of us to others.

 

      He will tell or laugh at jokes which portray women as stupid or as 'lesser' than men.

      He will make nasty comments about our appearance in front of other people and then, when we

      are upset about it, tell us it was just a joke and we take things too seriously.

      These sorts of things leave us feeling humiliated and upset, but our abuser will make out that we

      are the ones who are far too sensitive.

 

     When he sees women or girls walking down the street, he will always make a comment about their

      breasts or behind He might give them a score out of 10 or say that he wouldn't mind a 'bit of that'. 

     He will do the same with our female friends and family members.

     This leaves us feeling degraded and in constant competition with other women.

      It is likely to affect our friendships and further our isolation.

 

      The sexual abuser does not see women as individuals, with feelings and opinions; he just sees

     them as pieces of meat. That will be apparent in the way that he talks about us and women in

     general.  Early on in the relationship we are likely to hear how different we are from all the other

     women he has met or been with, his ex-partner, or even his mother. He will describe these women

     as controlling and manipulative. It will not be long before he is throwing the same accusations at

     us. This is because the abuser sees any woman who disagrees with him or does not do as he

     wishes as trying to control him!

 

     Refusing to take Responsibility for Birth Control

 

 

      Intimate Photos and Films

     

      During the relationship our abuser will take intimate photos of us. This might be by mutual consent

      at the time or it might be coerced. Lots of couples do this without there being any form of sexual

      abuse involved. But the sexual controller is likely to use these photos to embarrass us, either by

      posting them online, showing them to his mates or using the threat of making them public after

      we have split up.  He will ask us for intimate photos by text (sexting) and then pass these on or

      show them to other people. We are left feeling humiliated, degraded and betrayed.  He will also

      film us having intercourse or performing sexual acts without our knowledge or consent or under

      coercion.

 

     Withholding Sex and Affection

     

      The sexual controller does not just demand or force sexual acts, but is just as likely to withhold

      sexual intercourse or intimacy. It might be conditional on our behaviour or on our participating in

      certain sexual acts with which we do not feel comfortable. He will also withhold affection in the

      form of just cuddling or kissing unless it leads to sex. It is either sexual intercourse or nothing.

      Or he will tell us we are a tease for wanting affection without it automatically leading to intercourse,

      leaving us feeling guilty. 

     Refusing intimacy is a form of subtle sexual abuse because it is a way controlling sex - it is the flip

      side of demanding sex.  They will refuse our sexual advances. He has to be in control of sex, when,

     where and what takes place. He will also call us a whore for being sexual creature and wanting that

      sexual intimacy.  He is also telling us that our sexual needs, desires and preferences are of no 

      value. 

     Withholding  affection, intimacy and intercourse from us not only attacks our feelings of self worth,

     but also leave us open to more coerced sexual acts. In our need and desire for intimacy we are more

     likely to agree to sexual acts we would under normal circumstances have refused.

 

     Controlling Sexual Intercourse

     

     Any sexual or intimate act can only be on his terms, and we frequently don't recognize this subtle

     sexual abuse as being abusive. But as with withholding sex and affection and coercing or forcing

     sex after an assault or argument, we soon learn that any intimacy or sexual intercourse will have

     to be on his terms. He will control when we have sex, and will often demand it when it is completely

     unsuitable, for instance while we are cooking dinner or looking after the children.  He will go

     straight for the act without any foreplay which can make sex painful and unpleasant for us.  He

     does not care whether we are 'in the mood' or not.  If he wants anal sex we have to comply or be

     faced with 'moods', coercion, threats, refusal of any intimacy or rape.  He will also control how we

     respond to his advances, so if he wants us to climax we have to climax, if he doesn't want us to, we

     must not.

 

     Controlling our Body for his Sexual Gratification

     

      In an abusive relationship, our body does not belong to us; it belongs to our partner, our abuser. 

     Even if we start off the relationship feeling confident about our body (and not many of us do!),

      by the time we have been exposed to the comments and criticism of our abuser, we feel as though

      our body is somehow not 'good enough'. We want to have the best body for his sake, because it is

      important to him, and therefore it is important to us, because we want him to like us, to find us

      attractive, to desire us.  There are countless examples of how the sexual abuser tries to influence

     us to change our appearance to suit his image of what we should look like. He does not want us to

      breast feed our baby so that our breasts do not get spoiled for him, so we don't. He tells us we are

      too fat or too thin, he tells us what to wear. He keeps comparing our breasts with those of Jordan

      or someone he has seen in a magazine, until we agree to a breast augmentation. He tells us our

      vagina is too loose and doesn't give him the pleasure he wants, so we allow him to bugger us

      instead. This form of subtle sexual abuse leaves us feeling ashamed of our body, going on constant

     diets, develop eating disorders or having cosmetic surgery to try to live up to his ideal of what our

      bodies should be. We forget that our body belongs to us.

 

     Being Unfaithful

 

      Some people are unfaithful to their partners, it happens. But the abuser will purposely be unfaithful

     as a form of subtle sexual abuse and control. He will threaten us that he will be unfaithful if we do

     not comply with his sexual wishes, or if we are pregnant or gain weight. He will go off with other

     women and then introduce them to us. He will be openly unfaithful and get angry or violent with

     us if we question him about it or tell him we are unhappy about it. He will tell us how much he

     fancies our best friend which damages our friendship with her, or he will sleep with our sister and

     then tell us about it or let us find out.

 

     But our partner can also be unfaithful to us on a more emotional level. He can choose to spend his

     time with other women rather than ourselves and our children. Or he will discuss our sex life with

     his mates and brag about what he does to us. Our sexual privacy has been invaded and we end up

     feeling humiliated, ashamed and betrayed.

     If we have been unfaithful to him he will not let us forget it but constantly throw it back in our

     face, but if he is unfaithful we are meant to just accept it and never mention it. If we are unfaithful

     he will use it to justify further abuse on us, because we are sluts and whores.

 

     Other Forms of Subtle Sexual Abuse

 

     Other forms of subtle sexual abuse include fondling us in public places or in front of our family and

     friends when we feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about this, or any other form of repeated

     touching which we have told him makes us feel uncomfortable or we don't like.

 

     The abuser will sometimes demand that we walk around the house naked or demand that we strip. 

     He might force us or coerce us into watching pornographic films which we would prefer not to. 

     Another form of subtle sexual abuse is using coercion to ensure we comply with the abusers sexual

     requests. This is discussed more fully in the following page on sexual abuse.

      Quite a number of women have found that subtle sexual abuse can progress into more overt and

      violent forms of sexual abuse. In much the same way as if the abuser finds that verbal or emotional

      abuse is no longer sufficient to ensure our compliance, when subtle sexual abuse fails to sufficiently

      control us, he might well progress to rape or forced sexual acts.