Domestic Abuse Information
Hello, I am (Sonja Miller) and I would like to share some information with you on domestic abuse, and
other kinds of abuse as well. I am not a worldly counselor or do I hold any degrees. My husband Ken and
I have experience in biblical counseling we had an office named Final Step Biblical Counseling and Prayer
Ministry located on 1591 West Centre Ave, in Portage, Michigan, and also at 315 South Burdick Street,
Kalamazoo, Michigan.
I am also someone just like you who has endured the suffering and pain of abuse. It took me a long time
to overcome the: fear, depression, feeling degraded, unworthy, feeling ugly and unloved, that no one
would ever want or care about me again. But Praise the Lord! I did overcome and have learned to live
again through Jesus Christ my Lord.
In fact, that is the title of my book, "Learning to Live Again," (through Jesus Christ my Lord), which was
published on March 2, 2016. "Learning To Live Again;" is in the process of being revised and will be
republished soon. No matter who you are abuse can happen to you, you may have already experienced
some abuse in your life time.
What is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse or domestic violence is the term used to describe any abusive behavior within an
intimate relationship between two people. Generally, people will first think of physical violence,
such as hitting, beating and slapping, but domestic abuse also covers emotional, mental, verbal,
sexual, spiritual and financial behaviors perpetrated by one person on another within an intimate
relationship. Abusive behavior is used to exert control within a relationship.
Very rarely is one form of domestic abuse found by itself. Generally where one form of abuse exists, it is
within the context of other forms of abuse. Hence a perpetrator of physical violence will also subject his
victim to emotional and verbal abuse. Abuse rarely stays the same, but usually increases both in severity
and frequency over a period of time.
Domestic Abuse does not just affect people of a certain race, age, gender or background, but knows no
ethnic, cultural or personal borders. Abuse usually seems absent at the beginning of the relationship,
and the majority of victims feel that they have found their perfect partner or soul mate, but gradually (it might take months or even years) the abusive behavior increases and the perpetrator is likely to use
various different types of abuse:
"The first few months seem to be perfect and then you start noticing the small things that are different.
At first it was just arguments, but it got worse, and soon he would push and slap me when we were
arguing, then he started to be excessively jealous of your friends, and always asking you where you’ve
been, he would accuse you of cheating on him all the time. This progressed to him calling you names,
finding faults, mocking you and throwing things at you."
In severe cases, domestic violence can lead to the victim of abuse being killed by the abuser. In other
cases, the constant emotional and verbal abuse can slowly erode the victim’s self-confidence and self-
esteem.
While physical abuse can, and often does, cause serious physical harm, often requiring medical
intervention, emotional abuse hurts us deep inside and can leave permanent psychological and
emotional scars.
Many people experience abuse within the so-called cycle of abuse or cycle of violence, in which periods
of comparative calm or peace (known as the ‘honeymoon stage’) will be followed by a build-up toward
an abusive episode. Though it may appear as though these periods of apparent calm are non-abusive,
they are in actual fact simply part of a manipulative cycle, in which the abuser feels in control of their
partner and situation, may show repentance for pain caused, even promise to change.
Often it is these periods of apparent calm, which give the victim of abuse the hope that change can be
achieved, and the abuse will stop, and keeps them locked in the abusive relationship.
The Function of Abuse
Domestic abuse may also be defined by identifying its function that being the domination, punishment
or control of one's partner. Abusers use physical and sexual violence, threats, money, emotional,
psychological and spiritual abuse to control their partners and get their way. The different personas within
the Dominator show very clearly how the different types of abuse are used to control and dominate the victim.
Sometimes Domestic Abuse is better understood by its effect on the victim than by the specific actions of the
abuser. Check out the characteristics of abuse victims which give an insight into the effect that ongoing
abuse has on them.
"I had no self confidence and still struggle to have any, but I am slowly getting there. When someone
tells you you are ugly or stupid every day of your life it is hard to find that you are no other than that."
Abuse in the home is not a rare problem; it is just rarely admitted as one.
The Dominator
This information on The Dominator has kindly been provided by Pat Craven who runs The Freedom
Programme ©
To exemplify the differing beliefs held and tactics used by the domestic violence perpetrator the
Freedom Programme© uses the character of the Dominator, comparing it to the character of the Friend.
The different faces or types of abuse are all aspects of the Dominator's personality which he uses to
control his partner:
The Bully
Uses intimidation to control us, e.g. glares shouts, smashes things, sulks.
The Headworker
Uses emotional abuse to control us, e.g. puts us down, tells us that we are too fat, too thin, ugly, useless,
stupid, etc.
The Badfather
Uses the children to control us, e.g. says we are bad mothers, turns the children against us, uses access to
harrass us, threatens to take the children away, persuades us to have 'his' baby, then refuses to help care for
it.
The Jailer
Isolates us, e.g. stops us from working and seeing friends, tells us what to wear, keeps us in the house,
seduces our friends/family
The Liar
Minimizes or denies any abuse, blames us or other factors for it, uses excuses, e.g. says it was 'only' a slap,
blames drink, stress, overwork, us, unemployment, etc.
The King of the Castle
Controls us by treating us as second class citizens, e.g. treats us as a servant/slave, says women are for
sex, cooking and housework, expects sex on demand, controls all the money.
The Sexual Controller
us, e.g. ra Uses sex to control pes us, won't accept 'No' as an answer, keeps us pregnant, OR refuses
our advances.
The Persuader
Uses coercion or threats to control us AFTER we have left or reported him to wheedle his way back into
the relationship, e.g. threatens to hurt or kill us or our children, cries, says he loves us, threatens to
kill himself, threatens to report us to Social Services, DSS, etc.
Abuse Victim Characteristics
Although there is no specific ‘type’ of person who is more likely to be abused, there are abuse
victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display.
These can include:
* Low self esteem
* Emotional and economic dependency Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up"
* Depression
* Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints
* Accepts blame and guilt for violence
* Socially isolated, e.g. avoids social interaction, never seems to be alone
* Believes social myths about battering
* Believes in stereotypical sex roles
* Has poor self image
* Contemplates or attempts suicide, or self-harms
* Participation in pecking-order battering
* Appears nervous or anxious
* May defend any criticism of abuser
* May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship
Although the above list is not exhaustive and may not always indicate an abusive relationship, many
abuse victims show many of these behaviors and attitudes or change in some other, subtle ways.
The Victim of Abuse
Domestic violence affects people from all social, racial and financial backgrounds. It affects men and
women, old and young, heterosexual couples and homosexual couples alike. It may start almost
immediately, or only after several years of being in a relationship. Though both victims and
perpetrators of abuse come from all backgrounds, the shock, pain, confusion, feelings of guilt and
betrayal of trust experienced as a result of being subject to domestic violence is common to all.
Many sufferers of domestic violence do not speak out about what is happening at home, but suffer in
silence, often for years. They may try to deny it to themselves, not wanting to admit to the reality of the
abuse; they may feel shame about the abuse, as though it were their fault. A feeling of guilt about the
abuse is almost universal – the victim of abuse believing, and being told by the perpetrator, that they or
their actions are the cause of the abuse. This has a double effect: it enables the abuser to continue to feel
justified in continuing their destructive behavior, as the victim takes responsibility for the abuse, and
also allows the victim to continue to believe that they can change the situation and can in some way
control the abuse and stop it. Real change in a perpetrator of abuse however is sadly very rare.
Above all, it needs stressing that the victim of abuse is not responsible for the abuse and violence, but is
being manipulated and coerced by the perpetrator.
Some Long-Term Effects of Abuse
While it seems obvious that physical violence can result in long-term effects and even disability (if not
death), the consequences of suffering ongoing emotional abuse are often overlooked or minimized.
As stated earlier on, emotional abuse can affect us deep inside and leave permanent emotional and
psychological scars.
Those who have been abused often experience long -term feelings and reactions, which can cause a lot
of distress, including flashbacks, sudden feelings of anxiety, an inability to concentrate or feelings of
unreality. These reactions and feelings are a normal reaction to a traumatic event and in their extreme
form - especially where accompanied by depression and suicidal ideation - be considered Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD), which requires medical assistance and support. Even where the abuse does not
have physical long-term effects or result in PTSD the survivor of an abusive relationship will often suffer
low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Survivors commonly comment on feeling somehow '
different' to their peers as, though their experiences have in some way set them apart from the rest of
society. Due to the controlling aspects of an abusive relationship, the survivors may find it difficult to
make personal decisions and easily feel overwhelmed by everyday tasks. Throughout the abusive
relationship, the victim of use various different coping mechanisms to survive emotionally and physically
which are a necessary strategy while in such a situation, but can be debilitating in a non-abusive
environment, and these have be unlearned. Since abuse and violence within an intimate relationship are
also a huge betrayal of trust, the survivor of abuse will often also have difficulty learning to trust
someone else and open up emotionally for fear of being betrayed again.
Why Are Some People Abusive?
It would be nice to know that all abuser walk around with a big A for 'abuser' on their forehead, are
easily discernable by anyone 'normal' and always comply with the stereotypical image so often
portrayed in the media. In actual fact one of the main problems encountered by victims, friends, family
and various agencies dealing with the consequences of an abusive relationship, is how normal that
abuser seemed.
Many victims of abuse comment on how their partner is like a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ – seem fine and lovely
one moment or in public, but presents a completely different personality in private or at a different time.
Often the victim of abuse will spend hours trying to work out what is causing the abuse, what makes
their partner abusive. Some people believe that abuse is only a case of bad anger management on the part
of the perpetrator, and no doubt in some cases the abuser does have a problem dealing with anger in a
non-destructive manner, but on the whole the reasons or causes of abuse are much more deep-rooted and
complicated than a problem with anger or bad moods. There are various theories which try to explain why
abuse takes place, including the theory that abuse is due to our living in a patriarchal society in which men
perceive themselves as having a born right to control women and believe them to be their inferiors. This
however, does not explain why abuse should occur within homosexual relationships, nor why in some
cases it is the woman who is abusive toward her male partner. Another theory holds that abuse is a
learned behavior, i.e. that children who witness domestic violence at a early stage, will automatically go
to be abusive themselves, and while this does hold true for some perpetrators, the majority of abused
children do not go on to abuse their partners in adulthood, nor does it explain why some adults from a
apparently non-abusive homes should carry on to become abusive themselves.
What is clear is that most abusers do not have feelings of either good self-esteem or self-worth
themselves and feel the need to control their environment to feel in control (safe and secure)
themselves. Where their attempts to control another person are successful, this abusive behavior and
belief in the ability to control their environment is increased – hence the chances of them changing is
theoretically decreased the longer the abusive relationship continues. In some cases abusive
behavior can be the result of mental illness, for instance someone suffering from schizophrenia may
be violent toward their loved ones or destroy their belongings.
Someone suffering from a dissociative disorder (DID) may also act out in a violent manner or be
emotionally abusive. While the effects on the victim can be equally damaging or lethal, this abuse has to
be considered within the context of the illness rather than specifically within the context of an abusive
relationship as such.
Is it Possible to Spot a Potential Abuser?
While not all abusers act in the same way, it is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person
you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive, since many, if not most, display
some common tendencies. These may include excessive jealousy, controlling behavior (often disguised or
excused as concern), quick involvement and pressuring their boy/girlfriend to commit to them early on.
They may have unrealistic expectations from either their partner or the relationship itself, may try to
isolate their partner from family, friends or other social interactions, and are often
hypersensitive, getting easily hurt or offended.
Very rarely will an abusive person accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem, but will
tend to shift he responsibility onto other people or situations in general. In a similar way, abusers will
shift the blame/cause of their feelings outside of themselves, seeing their emotions as a reaction to other
people or situations rather than stemming from themselves.
Other warning signs may include cruelty toward animals and/or children, the ‘playful’ use of force in sex,
threats of violence or punishment, a belief in rigid stereotypical gender roles in a relationship, force used
during an argument, and breaking or smashing objects.
While these potential warning signs may be help e same time realizing that if one does find oneself in an
abusive relationship, it is not ones’ own fault, and there is help available to escape.
Warning Signs of a Domestic Abuse
If we can recognize the warning signs of a domestic abuser, or someone who is likely to have an
abusive personality, we can save ourselves (and our loved ones) a lot of grief and heartache. Many
survivor of abusive relationships have so often said that if they had just known the warning signs, they
would never have got involved with their abusive partner.
The good news is, that it is possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently with or are
about to become involved with being a domestic abusive It is simply a matter of having the
knowledge of the warning signs to look out for and being sufficiently aware to notice them (which
includes not being to blinded by love, lust or desperation!).
Below are a list of behaviors, traits and beliefs which are common in abusive personalities.
These are commonly known as Warning Signs of abusive personalities .
While not all abusive people show the same traits, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several
behavioral traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more
warning signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a
couple of behavioral traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme
jealousy over ridiculous things).
Often the domestic abuser will initially try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern,
and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and
serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.
Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may
question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be
jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her.
As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly.
He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car
Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or
mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions.
Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends,
etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you
closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why
you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behavior gets worse, you may not be allowed to
make personal decisions about the house, clothing, and going to church or how you spend your time or
money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may
theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalize you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our
loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.
Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were
engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each
other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could
understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved
by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time.
He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you
feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing
yourself to him/her.
Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expect you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is
very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfill all your needs as lover,
friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need', 'You are all I need.' are
common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically,
financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.
Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with
your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being
'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your
personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in
the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education
or qualifications.
Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem.
If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out
with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother.
They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get them. He/she may make a
mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they
wished to.
Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behavior or
attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing
what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you,
i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside
te abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me
feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-
being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore
responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for
any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.
Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their
feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may
perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking
fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs
from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather
than pink, etc.).
Cruelty to Animals
The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for
the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will
cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic
violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic
Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)
Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children.
He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having
common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g.
is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being
upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware
of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed
appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their
room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent
your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above
(cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.
'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurize you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies
where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she
may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to
manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are
ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs
that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.
Rigid Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at
home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see
women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female
abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto
him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.
Verbal Abuse
This is a fairly important warning sign and really quite easy to spot once you can tell all the little
ways in which you are being verbally abused. In addition to saying things that are meant to be
cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down
any accomplishments.
Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may
keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to
verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you
to friends and family.
(Check out Verbal Abuse for more information)
Verbal Abuse
Some forms of verbal abuse, such as name calling or sneering, are obvious, but many more forms are c
overt, such as withholding or discounting, and therefore much less easily recognizable.
Some of the following questions may help you to work out whether you are being verbally abused in less
obvious ways, or whether you are being verbally abusive towards your partner:
Does your partner speak to you differently in private and in public?
Do you often leave a discussion with your partner feeling completely confused?
- Does your partner deny being angry or upset when he/she very obviously is?
- Does your partner act as though you were attacking them when you try to explain your feelings?
- Does your partner discount your opinions or experiences?
. You feel as though no matter how hard you try, you just don't seem to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner as he/she always seems to misunderstand you, and/or it always seems to cause an argument no matter how you try to approach the subject?
· Do you feel nervous or avoid discussing issues which disturb you with your partner because you 'know' that trying to discuss them will just leave you feeling even more upset?
· Do you feel as though your self-esteem and your self-confidence have decreased?
· Do you find yourself spending a lot of time trying not to upset your partner or wondering what you did or said which did upset your partner ?
The above are just some indicators that verbal abuse may be an issue in your relationship. Some facts which generally apply to verbal abuse:
· Verbal abuse tends to be secretive, i.e. happens in private.
· Verbal abuse tends to increase over time, as both abuser and victim adapt to it.
· Verbal abuse discounts your perception of reality and denies itself.
· Verbal abuse is usually part of a pattern which is difficult to recognize and leaves us
· Verbal abuse uses words (or silence) to gain and maintain control.
From time to time we are all likely to say something which is nasty and abusive to
our partner or our children. Usually when we realize that what we have said is
hurtful, we feel sorry for the hurt we have caused and apologize. Verbal abusers are
not likely to apologize, not because they don't realize that they have been hurtful, but
because that is their aim.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh,
nasty o violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser
portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they
have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local
community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own
home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent
kindness and consideration. This Jekyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to
further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion
from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice
and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad.
This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive
personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy
drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse,
violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her
abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when
drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse.
The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and
it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they
do increase the risk of violence.
(See What about alcohol and domestic violence?)
What about Alcohol and Domestic Violence?
What is the relationship between alcohol and domestic violence? If our partner is
only violent when drunk, is he/she really responsible for the abuse? Is the abuse
likely to stop of they stop drinking?
Alcohol abuse does not cause abuse and violence, though it is often used as an excuse
for the violence. Not all alcoholics are violent, and not all abusers have a drink
problem. It may be that your abuser is actually an alcoholic, but that is a separate
issue to the abuse, i.e. he/she is an alcoholic AND he/she has an abusive personality.
The idea that alcohol and domestic violence are cause and effect is often portrayed in
the media, especially around the time of Christmas, when the increase in domestic
violence incidents is attributed to the increase in alcohol consumption.
Someone who is not abusive will not be abusive when they are either drunk or sober.
And someone who is abusive is likely to be abusive whether drunk or sober.
Alcohol is not the cause of either abuse or violence.
We may wish to believe that it is the alcohol causing the abuse, because then we can
also believe that there is an easy solution to the abuse, and we can also believe that
our abuser doesn't really mean to hurt us, that he/she has simply 'lost control' and is
not really responsible for the abuse. It allows us to believe that this is a problem that
we can tackle together, that with our support and understanding and patience, the
abuse can stop. Effectively, it allows us to feel that we still have some control over
the situation.
The Real Relationship between Alcohol and Domestic Violence
The reality is that the majority of abusers are not alcoholics. They use alcohol as part
of the wider abusive behavior. People working with perpetrators of domestic violence
even report that abusers will consciously:
· Go out and get drunk to create an excuse to get violent
· Act more drunk than they really are·
. Use alcohol consumption to punish their partner, e.g. for confronting
disagreeing with them
· Pretend they don't remember what they did when drunk
Getting drunk can also be used as a way of manipulating you into doing what your
abusers wants and avoiding doing those things the abuser doesn't want to do. If we
know our partner is likely to be violent when drunk, then we are unlikely to confront
him/her about not taking an equal share in the housework or child care when they
are drinking.
One of the aspects of the abuser using the excuse of alcohol for the abuse is that it is
more likely to make us feel sorry for them and we end up comforting them for the
pain they have caused us, or trying to help them overcome 'the problem' and not feel
guilty about it. Roles are effectively reversed and they don't have to face either the
reality of what they have done or face the consequences. We may also at some level
prefer this role-reversal, as it gives us the illusion of power and being needed and
valued, and we can continue to deny that our partner is willingly abusing us.
The abuser is quite keen for us to believe the cause and effect myth of alcohol and
domestic violence - it gives them a ready excuse to deny responsibility for their
abusive behavior.
In the meantime, the abuser is quite happy for us to accept that common concept that
alcohol and domestic violence are linked by alcohol being the cause of domestic
violence. While we believe that, we are likely to concentrate our efforts on helping
the abuser aim for sobriety, not challenge his abusive belief system and behaviors.
The reality is that your abuser has not 'lost control', but chooses to be abusive when
drunk- or at best still chooses to drink excessively despite knowing they are liable to
be violent when drunk. Even when intoxicated we still basically keep our behavior
within our own value system, e.g. if we don't believe we should rob a bank then
getting drunk won't suddenly turn us into bank robbers! In much the same way our
partners are not likely to be violent when drunk if their value system did not allow
them to be so. If they do not use physical violence when sober, it is likely that they
believe that drinking 'allows' them to lose control and not be responsible for their
actions.
What happens when an abuser 'gets sober'?
We may wish to believe if our partner were sober, then there would be no abuse, i.e.
want to believe that alcohol causes domestic violence. That, sadly, is wishful thinking
Sometimes our partner may only be physically violent when drinking, but if we look
carefully, we become aware that their behavior when not drunk is also emotionally
psychologically abusive. Abusers who 'get sober' may for a while refrain from
violence, but the emotional abuse is likely to continue as sobriety is not the answer to
abusive beliefs and attitudes - and the physical violence is likely to return, even if it is
years down the road, when they find that simply using psychological, verbal and
abuse no longer works sufficiently.
In fact, their sobriety in itself can be used to help control and manipulate us, by
threatening to drink if things don't go the way they wish. The threat need not be
can be quite subtle, e.g. "You know that I find having your family round stressful,
am concerned that will threaten my sobriety". The aim is isolate us from our
family; the threat is drinking (and the unspoken threat of violence which may
it).
The abuse of alcohol and domestic violence have both to be tackled individually for
Some questions to ask yourself regarding the link between alcohol and domestic violence:
· When drunk, is your partner violent or abusive only to you or to anyone.
· Is there a pattern to the drunkenness, e.g. is it likely to occur when you have
friends round, or intend going out for the evening, or after you have had an
· Does your partner believe that drunkenness causes violence?
· If you have confronted your partner on their abusive or violent behavior when
have they taken immediate and serious steps to stop drinking or does it just carry.
· Are you aware of emotional and/or psychological abusive behavior towards you
your partner is not drinking?
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is
a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners.
Circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or
may try to warn you about the abuser.
Negative Attitude toward Women
Some men may tell you that you are different then all the women they have known.
Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to me.
Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive personality may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or
chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a
punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by
saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking
your possessions also has the effect of de-personalizing you, denying you your
individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or
throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost
control, once again shifting the blame for this behavior on to you, but is actually used to
terrorize you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in
presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.
Any Force during an Argument
BIG warning sign! What starts off in early courtship as a bit of a push or a shove can turn
into full blown beatings not long down the road. An abuser may physically restrain you
from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you
a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument
can be a sign that serious physical violence is a strong possibility.
History of Battering or Sexual Violence
himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. Once
again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous partners. Because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't
be stupid enough to shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't
happen with you with apologies each time?
However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in
some other way not take responsibility before, who display a lack of respect of
women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives
or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that
they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent
woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and
don't deserve their respect.
When the abuser becomes more comfortable in the relationship you will begin to to see his/her true self, little by little the threats, and control begin. if you say or do something he/she does not like, he/she will say things like, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a thing or to." Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to
keep you in your place and prevent you from making your own decisions. Most
people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behavior by saying
"everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the
relationship, or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for
being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be
less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I
will never let you go/couldn't live without you".